emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
[personal profile] emberleo
"Earth to Ember! Earth to Ember! Please ground in!"

Oops!

Okay, I knew I'd hit a certain degree of radio silence, but it has been brought to my attention recently that said silence is being interpreted rather differently than I expected.

It seems that all the love and time and effort and growth I'm putting into and getting out of my time at the Rabbit Warren is looking somewhat more like I've gotten buried under a burdensome pile of bunnies.

Nope nope nope nope nope [/muppet alien voice]

Apparently it's been long enough since I've gone through this aspect of my larger life pattern that very few people in my life remember it, if in fact they've seen it before.

About a decade ago, I dove into my search for a viable spiritual path and congregation, and found Greyhaven and Hrafnar. Having found them, I dove even more steeply, and the people I had previously spent most of my time with, that I had already been pulling away from, expressed concern.

About 6 years ago, I fell in love with D, and found House Kaleidacopia, and AMUH, and dove very deeply in with all that, and the folks at Greyhaven and Hrafnar expressed concern.

Now I've fallen in love with UncleDark, and found the Rabbit Warren, and am dealing with another major shift in my spiritual focus (although not starting from scratch with a new group this time, thankfully), and once again I am diving quite deep, and folks are apparently once again concerned.

Well this time the changes are a hell of a lot more complicated, but they're also bigger and better ones.

I've been taking much better care of myself. I'm still finding the right balance of meds and vitamins for managing my Seasonal Affective Disorder (cyclothymic, so summer euphoria is also an issue), and my Social and School related Anxiety with Panic Attack Disorder. I'm always learning more about what being Hypersensitive (is it called Sensory Integration Syndrome now? Or Sensory Processing Disorder? Ugh....) means for me. I'm getting a better and better handle on what I eat, so as not to trigger issues with my digestive system - what I can and can't eat at all, which things to eat less of but not avoid entirely, etc. My exercise is still variable, I admit, but I seem to have more energy than I used to - about twice as much, actually. Instead of having about 1/3rd the spoons I felt like I was supposed to have, I feel like I have about 2/3rds. Still not up to snuff, but a damned sight better than before.

I lost weight there for a while, without specifically intending to, and am still putting on muscle. I'm growing out my fingernails for the first time since I started chewing them off at age 7. I'm absorbing the housekeeping life skills (well, some of them) that I have desperately been searching for a way to learn since I reached "adulthood", and finally actually GETTING somewhere with it. The other day I caught myself actually WANTING to make my bed! Woohoo!

At the same time, thanks to the (overdue) shenanigans of the Antler Brigade, I've been reanalyzing what my internal and spiritual sense of gender means from the outside in, and coming out of the closet (somewhat) about my orientation towards more than just geeky cis-men (although you couldn't pay me to give up my geeky cis-men, dammit. MINE.)

I can't keep up with everything in my life, so I've been very much in the process of trying to figure out what it's safe to put down, what I need to put down whether it's safe or not, and so on.

D and I are no longer dating. We finally realized that while we make excellent friends, and interesting lovers, we aren't compatible as partners, and the gods are pulling us in separate directions now.

After this triple Mermaid Necklacing, I'm not going to volunteer to event manage anything for AMUH for a while, and when the season ends I may step up to Alumni depending on how things are going. Exu on Mama brought the last confirmation I needed that how I felt was grounded in reality - the Vanir are growing increasingly firm about what They want from me next, and that I have learned what I can for now being so active in AMUH. I have no intention of leaving the house, of course, but I need to step back a bit and breathe.

I'm being massively avoidant about Grad School, because it often takes all the energy I have to keep my school anxiety at bay long enough to even think about it, much less get stuff done. Still, Monday I had lunch with my favorite professor and discussed with two others my need for recommendation letters. So those requests are out. I've got essays to write and errands to run to get my application in by the 15th. I can make it work, I'm just terrified and trying not to panic.

UncleDark has been very supportive in all of this, encouraging me to write my essays, and the books the Vanir are pushing me for, and offering to help edit anything I write. The gender and queer stuff has been much easier with his support and PurpleRabbit's insights. Really, lately the Rabbit Warren is the one place I feel really safe and can breathe easy.

And I've gotten back into sit-down RPGs for the first time since I joined the Pagan community - which has lead to me switching art gears again (long overdue - I was burning out on beading, but didn't have the next outlet for a while there *twitch twitch*). I've gone back to the drawing board! Woohoo! Better yet, I'm not only doodling my gaming scenes, I've got credits under a pseudonym for cover art. :D Woohoo!

I'm also working CalShakes again for the summer, and thankfully thus seeing more of at least those friends again, and trying to give my sister as much time as I can spare to help with my absolutely adorable, beloved nephew and niece.

So yeah, up to my eyebrows, but not per se in alligators. Life is good, but that doesn't stop me from being anxious about the school stuff. I take better care of myself than ever before, but that doesn't mean I don't still have a lot to learn about being a proper grownup.

Please bear with me - the Ember is Under Construction!

-E-
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emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Ember

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