Old Treasures - What the Old Man Said

Going back over my journal entries from the past, and finding bits and treasures I didn't remember, messages I internalized rather than memorizing them.

Here's one from October of 2004, which wasn't directed at me but rather through me:

"Consider the image of a moth to a flame.

The moth understands that the flame is fire. The moth accepts that it cannot escape the lure of the flame. The moth embraces its love, its desire, its compulsion to meet the flame.

But the moth does not trust the flame but to burn it. In embracing its destiny to join the flame, the moth assumes the results of its chosen fate, or the fate it believes was chosen for it.

I am not obliged to burn you, drawn to me though you may be. I accept the sacrifice you offer of yourself in being willing to burn for me, but revel far more in your trust, that you might believe, though I am that flame, though you cannot escape my enticements, that you will not burn.

Rushing towards me in a desire to be completely consumed by me is touching. It's also self-destructive. I can rebuild you - or you can rebuild yourself. Which do you think I wish for more - that you be rebuilt a complete image of my making?

Or that you be entirely yourself, and dedicated, of your own will, entirely to me?"

-E-

Old Treasures - Anonymous Advice

Going back over my journal entries from the past, and finding bits and treasures I didn't remember, messages I internalized rather than memorizing them.

Here's one from December of 2004. It's not clear who the message was from - I was in a state of altered consciousness, but the voice was unclear: "It feels sometimes like I'm watching the world for a minute through a pair of eyes that aren't mine, even though they're in my body. I sound just like a hundred people I've known, and I know they're not me."

There's all kinds of feedback loops to a relationship gone bad - even (especially) when there's still something good left. It's a fight for control - volunteering to give up some control here in the effort to gain more overall. Pushing and pushing to find the way to win until you get what you want. Feeding your defenses and never minding if they're feeding your fears...

Subtle patterns are still patterns. It's not fair to treat somebody like they are abusive when they're not, but it's not fair to yourself to stay somewhere that makes you feel abused.

You don't have to be an abusive person to make somebody else feel abused. Some aspects of abuse are just aspects of being different people.

But not being that bad doesn't make it good. It doesn't matter where the threshold is once it's been crossed. Something's gotta give, and nobody controls you but you.

-E-