emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
For years I've had nightmares about being on a bridge as it breaks, or is flooded, or just goes somewhere I don't want to go. I have no idea if that's at all related to my current emotional dilemma.

Life is going quite well for me, overall. I'm happy with what I'm doing, the relationships I do have time for are working quite well. I have a sense of clarity about where I'm going in many ways. I feel like I've come through a year of tremendous change much improved, and am still making progress, though at less of a breakneck speed.

So why do I feel so horrible about certain things? )

This whole thing feels so stupid, but I can't seem to get any gauge of where to draw the reality line internally on it.

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Okay, I can't handle this. I'm freaking way too far out. I have the help I need when I can surface enough to breathe and ASK for it, and that's great, but I simply can not handle the prospect of going back to school in late August. I can barely handle the prospect of late September.

January, though, that feels do-able. The deadline for that is October. I'll not only be sure they have all my letters and transcripts, but that gives the GRE folks plenty of time to send my scores, and I can sort out my taxes and funding options as well, which are still overwhelming me right now.

I'm ashamed that this is still so fucking hard. I hate this about myself. And I'm afraid that everyone will be so disappointed in me putting it off another quarter. But I just need the breathing room.

Besides, my summer job doesn't end until October, and I have that trip out East to deal with as well, so maybe it's just.... better all around.

*deep breath*


emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
"Earth to Ember! Earth to Ember! Please ground in!"


Okay, I knew I'd hit a certain degree of radio silence, but it has been brought to my attention recently that said silence is being interpreted rather differently than I expected.

It seems that all the love and time and effort and growth I'm putting into and getting out of my time at the Rabbit Warren is looking somewhat more like I've gotten buried under a burdensome pile of bunnies.

Nope nope nope nope nope [/muppet alien voice]

Quite the opposite! )

Please bear with me - the Ember is Under Construction!

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
I don't like how hard it seems to be to think clearly enough for long enough to use my journal to process.

I'm getting all kinds of processing done, and all kinds of stuff is going on in my life, but when I sit down with intent to document and process further, it just dribbles out my ears, and I'm exhausted at the thought of rehashing it all here.

I don't know if the problem is that this is a somewhat public forum, that it's only read by a handful of people despite its public nature, or because it involves writing things out in the more general sense. I have managed other bits of writing easily enough.

*shrug* I don't know. Once again I find myself tired of being tired.

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Post-positive emotional drop getting me down. )

Ahh well, overall life is going pretty well, I'd say...

emberleo: A skull-faced woman with long black hair standing among callalilies (requiem)
Today we had our annual Ghede Devotional, affectionately titled "Ghede Jamboree, Brigitte Tea, and Ancestors Revel! (not necessarily in that order...)".

It went not so much according to plan as about how Papa told me it would, which is to say that about half the people showed up than I had hoped, but twice as many as I'd feared. We had enough food, and it was good food. The altars were pretty, and looked He showed me, though again, not the way I'd planned. There were only two mediums, both for Ghedes, so Papa spent some time trying to decide whether to convince one or another of the lovely women to invite His wife down, to no avail, and the rest of His time flirting with all the lovely women He DID have at His disposal.

It did rain, as I rather expected it would right *after* I announced that we'd hold it in the not-raining location. *sigh* Murphy's law. Go figure.

I wasn't feeling too hot by the end there, for various reasons, but all in all I think it went pretty well, and I hope the intrepid souls who attended enjoyed themselves.

The one bit I really wanted to document, though, has very little to do with my Papa at all (which is why this post is here, and not in my journal for work with Papa):

See, two years ago when my head was washed to Papa, I had clothing specially made for Us to wear, tailored to my measurements at the time. Well, some of it was designed to be too big, for certain reasons, but the core garments - the britches and shirt - were tailored to my actual measurements.

Today when I went to put on those clothes again, I noticed that the pants had no beltloops. This was immediately apparent because without a belt, the britches were falling right off my hips when I moved! I had to hike up the britches and tie them tight with the sash, sticking ruffled up over the edge, and hope that Papa wouldn't think it was funny to let them fall right off my body in the middle of the floor! *blush*

We got through the day clothing and dignity more or less intact, and now I am gleefully informing my nutritionist that her good advice has contributed significantly to my health!


emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
So, I'm a little tired of going through the social anxiety phase after any ritual for which I do something significant.

Cut for those who may be just as tired of it as I am ) *Sigh*



emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)

September 2013

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