emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (jackalope)
Gods help me, I've started a public-facing blog: http://embervoices.wordpress.com/

I'll still keep this one for more personal musings, to the degree that I've kept it thus far.

[Edit] I have a request to CC my WordPress posts to this journal as well. If I do, they'll be locked to the access list, as I gather it's considered poor form to fully duplicate the public content. It's just apparently some folks can't access WordPress outside of the US, for some reason...



Apr. 26th, 2013 08:46 pm
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
The Rabbits have me cooking on Fridays with [personal profile] purplerabbit.

This is both nerve-wracking and very good for me. If I'm alone in the kitchen I start to panic, but all I need to avoid that is company if I'm reasonably sure of what it is I'm trying to do, or else that nobody else knows any better than I do. If I am wary I wait until [personal profile] uncledark comes home, so he can instruct me.

So far I usually make pasta, because that's what I'm confident at. When we've made other things, PurpleRabbit has taken the lead.

Tonight I made it up as I went, trying to make something similar to the polenta they serve at Pomodoro:

I cut sun-dried tomato and garlic polenta into slices and then cut out the middles with a little cookie cutter. I wrapped pieces of fontina and sage leaves in prosciutto and stuffed them in the middles.

But then I had a bunch of extra polenta, fontina, and prosciutto, so I filled the rest of the dish with the spare, and poured roasted garlic alfredo sauce on top. I baked it all at 350 for half an hour, and then took off the foil and baked it a bit longer so the cheese would melt.

To put on top, I chopped up roma tomatoes, and mixed it with a bit of chopped onion, dried basil, and salt, with extra virgin olive oil, and as an afterthought added feta cheese. It needed more salt than I expected.

Finally I tried crisping the remaining sage leaves in olive oil and butter. That worked perfectly, and they're sooo goood. I want to take a whole sage bush and crisp them for snacks.

All put together it was quite yummy.

Next time I think I should put the sauce down first, and not try to make stuffed rounds, but just crumble all the polenta and shred the cheese to make a more ordinary casserole. Same flavors, better presentation. I wish the tomatoes were more flavorful, but overall it worked really well.

I'm very proud of myself. I made dinner and it wasn't pasta.

emberleo: A forked crossroads symbol with the letters A M U H (umbanda)
I have been removed from the American Magic Umbanda House, and all relevant contact lists.

Per Exu on Mama's instructions, I stepped back to Alumna status last August - essentially an inactive member-in-good-standing who generally acts as a Friend to the house. I had promised that I would help out at any event where I was requested (to the best of my ability, anyway - what more can anyone do?) and that I would come back to dance out for Senior Medium with my House-Twin when he was ready, as he requested and Mama had approved.

I had already decided that I should only attend events I was specifically requested or otherwise obliged to attend. I thought at first that might include events the Powers requested I attend, but it was made clear that They did not want me to attend rituals only for Their sake right now.

Although I'm aware of social gaffes, and some ways in which people were unenthusiastic about my manner of service, I'm not aware of having broken any house rules, or harmed anyone. If I harmed anyone, I am deeply sorry, as that was never my intention.

I'm not entirely sure why Mama felt the need to remove me from the house altogether, given that I had already stepped back, but it's her choice to make, and it's what she felt was needed.

I am very unhappy with this turn of events. I don't understand, and I'm not sure what I should do next, other than get out of the way. My head is swimming, and I've already stuck my foot in my mouth several times trying to make sense of this. I don't want to upset anyone else, so I'm making this general announcement that if anybody wants to know more about what's going on with me they are welcome to ask.

I still love my former house-siblings, and wish them all well. They all have my contact information and are welcome to call on me.

Be Well,
emberleo: A circular knotwork phoenix (phoenix)
For those in the home audience, today was my very first day of Graduate School.

Yes, I was very, very nervous, but not panicked as I feared I might be (yes, I fear fear itself sometimes - panic attacks are like that).

The class sounds like it will be highly useful, and I'm glad to see my friends from my time in undergrad )

So, I'm back "home" academically, and glad to be. This will work. Whatever isn't already set up is just hoop jumping, and I'm good at the rest of it.

Wish me luck!

emberleo: A circular knotwork phoenix (phoenix)
The Powers have been poking at me for a long time to set up a way for people to easily pay me for my spiritual services, like Tarot readings. They finally got a blatant POKE through one last time before I left for Maryland.

Today I went by my bank for the last info I needed to get my PayPal account verified properly. I can now accept payment!

I'm proud of myself. This was a bigger hurdle than it should have been. Even through being proud of myself for having gotten it done, I feel weird, uncomfortable, exposed.

I don't know why I feel this way.

But there you go.

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
For years I've had nightmares about being on a bridge as it breaks, or is flooded, or just goes somewhere I don't want to go. I have no idea if that's at all related to my current emotional dilemma.

Life is going quite well for me, overall. I'm happy with what I'm doing, the relationships I do have time for are working quite well. I have a sense of clarity about where I'm going in many ways. I feel like I've come through a year of tremendous change much improved, and am still making progress, though at less of a breakneck speed.

So why do I feel so horrible about certain things? )

This whole thing feels so stupid, but I can't seem to get any gauge of where to draw the reality line internally on it.

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Okay, I can't handle this. I'm freaking way too far out. I have the help I need when I can surface enough to breathe and ASK for it, and that's great, but I simply can not handle the prospect of going back to school in late August. I can barely handle the prospect of late September.

January, though, that feels do-able. The deadline for that is October. I'll not only be sure they have all my letters and transcripts, but that gives the GRE folks plenty of time to send my scores, and I can sort out my taxes and funding options as well, which are still overwhelming me right now.

I'm ashamed that this is still so fucking hard. I hate this about myself. And I'm afraid that everyone will be so disappointed in me putting it off another quarter. But I just need the breathing room.

Besides, my summer job doesn't end until October, and I have that trip out East to deal with as well, so maybe it's just.... better all around.

*deep breath*


emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
"Earth to Ember! Earth to Ember! Please ground in!"


Okay, I knew I'd hit a certain degree of radio silence, but it has been brought to my attention recently that said silence is being interpreted rather differently than I expected.

It seems that all the love and time and effort and growth I'm putting into and getting out of my time at the Rabbit Warren is looking somewhat more like I've gotten buried under a burdensome pile of bunnies.

Nope nope nope nope nope [/muppet alien voice]

Quite the opposite! )

Please bear with me - the Ember is Under Construction!

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
I don't like how hard it seems to be to think clearly enough for long enough to use my journal to process.

I'm getting all kinds of processing done, and all kinds of stuff is going on in my life, but when I sit down with intent to document and process further, it just dribbles out my ears, and I'm exhausted at the thought of rehashing it all here.

I don't know if the problem is that this is a somewhat public forum, that it's only read by a handful of people despite its public nature, or because it involves writing things out in the more general sense. I have managed other bits of writing easily enough.

*shrug* I don't know. Once again I find myself tired of being tired.

emberleo: A circular knotwork phoenix (phoenix)
This is slightly edited from a post I made to LiminalNation. All I did was remove the references that made it contextual to LN.

*Deep breath* Okay, here goes, and I hope this isn't oversharing, or stupid, or whatever...

About sexuality, gender, orientation, etc. - mainly mine. )

So NOW what do I do? Crawl into a hole and hope nobody notices?

emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
So, I'm a little tired of going through the social anxiety phase after any ritual for which I do something significant.

Cut for those who may be just as tired of it as I am ) *Sigh*



emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)

September 2013

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