emberleo: A dark-haired woman weaving strands of light (dreaming)
I dreamt this yesterday (Monday) morning:

I had to ford a slow-moving but very cold river that was about 4 feet deep, in my car. It was the kind of river that is near the sea, because the waves would periodically flood the car, so I couldn't stay dry. Finally I had to turn my car into a little boat and get out and kick-paddle to push us to the other shore.

On the other shore was a strange house full of wanderers, where I could rest for a bit. Once I was well-rested, I found myself in a bazaar, talking to an older woman with dark hair and caramel skin. I picked up a gorgeously-illustrated picture book, and looked at a picture of a beautiful older African man. The style of the painting was a sort of splotchy watercolor. I grinned and turned the picture around to show the woman. "This reminds me of Obatala!" I said, pleased, but not expecting her to know what I meant. She replied that it was Orunla.

She started to tell me the story, which was indeed about an Orixa. I wasn't quite sure of the name.
"Wait, you mean Oxala?" I asked.
"You're not LISTENING!" she replied sharply.
I was abashed, and apologized, explaining that I WAS listening, but I knew different names for the Orixa and wanted to make sure I understood her story correctly. She grumbled and told me to read the book myself, then.
----------------------------------------------

The book told the story of the first two Orixa, with Oludumare: a Man and a Woman, made to be immortal, to keep Oludumare company, and guard the world. Oludumare had created a world full of wondrous things that moved in cycles of life, creation, and death. The Man and Woman at first were occupied learning about all of the many things in Oludumare's world. They loved each other as husband and wife do.

One day, Oludumare came to the Man and said "She wants to die."

The Woman had made her case, that if she could not create, she had no reason for existence. She wanted very much to create children, as all the plants and animals do. Everything else in all of Oludumare's creation was part of the beautiful cycle, why not her?

Oludumare admonished that they had been created to be immortal and thus did not need children to carry on their traditions in their absence.
"Then let me die," she replied.

But the Man did not want her to die, and did not himself want to die. He loved the Woman and wanted her to stay with him. Oludumare was firm.

"You must help her die."
"You can't want me to kill her?!"
"Go out into the world and learn all there is to know of death."

Reluctantly, the Man did as he was told. At first he was angry with Oludumare, then resigned. Finally he began to see the beauty of the cycle that the Woman had perceived. As it moved before him and swirled around him in its mysterious glory, the Man understood the value of death in the cycle.

He returned to the hall where the Woman and Oludumare were waiting, his garments stained with blood, with mud, with salt water and sweat, with all the substances of creation and death marking his garments.

"I understand," he said.
Oludumare smiled. The Woman was relieved.
"Then I may die now?" She asked. And it was so.

That the Man would not be lonely, Oludumare made another Woman. She was able to die, and able to create, both these things built into her being from the first. The Man, too, was given the possibility to die. He, too, could create now, his journey having initiated him into the mysteries of the cycle.

They soon had children, who became part of the cycle themselves. They multiplied, and spread across the world, and each in time took up guardianship of different aspects of Oludumare's creation.

Oludumare was never lonely again.
----------------------------------------------

I closed the book, and brought it back to the woman. I told her I MUST own the book, and asked its price. She was reluctant, as though she was obliged to let me have the story, but didn't believe I deserved it, and thus didn't want to sell me the book. I was in tears - it was the most beautiful story I had ever heard, and I could see myself the mysteries of the cycle moving through the artwork, the beauty of Death moving through the cycle. She relented, selling me the book for some strange fee I no longer remember. Not coins, certainly, but perhaps bites of bread, and a snippet of my hair, or somesuch.

I woke up not being sure if the story was about Obatala or Orunla, and knowing no name for the first Woman.

I thought the story was about Obatala until just now, when I looked up Orunla and saw that Orunla (Orunmila) was the first Orixa, who got to watch Oludumare create all things, and that's how He knows all fates. So I think yes, this story IS about Orunla, and I was given a gift of it, that the one sent to give it to me didn't really feel I deserved, but she was under orders of some kind.

Edit Note:
Although I must admit what I looked up after the story contradicts all the stories I knew before, where Obatala was the first Orixa under Oludumare, and Orunla was Obatala's youngest son, who spent most of his time growing up buried to the neck under the tree Iroko.... Have I got wires crossed, or is this just a place where mythology has multiple answers?

-E-
emberleo: A skull-faced woman with long black hair standing among callalilies (requiem)
George Hersh died this morning.

He was a revered elder and a dedicated therapist for our local Pagan community. I am way more upset by this death than I have been by others in my recent past. (There really *aren't* any deaths in my distant past - nobody died around me during my childhood.)

You'd think family members I was closer to than my former therapist would prompt more upset, but for whatever reason, not so much.

I have noticed that the deaths of people I wanted to know better but didn't get to tend to upset me more than the passing of people I knew as much as I felt I could or needed to.

Of course, it remains to be seen how well I'll take the deaths of family members I'm actually fairly close to, so maybe the point is immaterial.

I feel like I should be talking about George here, rather than myself, but you see half the problem is that I didn't GET to know him. He was my therapist, and was good about holding that boundary enough that I know almost nothing about him other than that he was a wonderful, wonderful man and I miss him terribly.

I had hoped he'd live long enough to attend my ordination, but I couldn't get off my ass to make it happen fast enough.

--Ember--
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
"Earth to Ember! Earth to Ember! Please ground in!"

Oops!

Okay, I knew I'd hit a certain degree of radio silence, but it has been brought to my attention recently that said silence is being interpreted rather differently than I expected.

It seems that all the love and time and effort and growth I'm putting into and getting out of my time at the Rabbit Warren is looking somewhat more like I've gotten buried under a burdensome pile of bunnies.

Nope nope nope nope nope [/muppet alien voice]

Quite the opposite! )

Please bear with me - the Ember is Under Construction!

-E-
emberleo: A forked crossroads symbol with the letters A M U H (umbanda)
The American Magic Umbanda House currently holds most of our ceremonies in the back yard at House Kaleidacopia in North Oakland.

Some background on House Kaleidacopia and AMUH )

Last May the large stand-alone shed we used to contain all of the regalia and supplies that are used in our ceremonies - our Lubisha - burned out from the inside. It never became clear how the fire started. There were no candles or cigars lit inside or anything. The lubisha was quiet and locked that evening. Mama wasn't even home at the time - almost nobody was, which is part of why the fire had a chance to really get going in the first place. But of course between all of the devotional crafts, veils, candles, and rum in the wooden shed, once a spark flew there was plenty to feed it. The resulting fire was hot enough to melt glass and destroy metal, so of course it turned the multi-layered plywood shed to charcoal.

AMUH lost almost everything in the fire, but no one was injured. )

The most painful, though, is that we lost all our house-owned drums! Blessedly, many of our house members and friends filled in the gap with their own djembes, which is why this year's PombaGira devotional rocked every bit as hard as ever. But it's not the same as having our very own barrel drum and properly blessed djembe. Those can never be recovered, although in time we will likely acquire new House drums again as we are able.
--------------------------------------------------------
Why am I processing all this now, almost a year later? Well, it's finally time for us to replace the Lubisha!

We've been making do, but that's not enough. )

We have set up a WePay fund to replace the Lubisha. It is first and foremost for House members to more easily gather those funds in order to repay our Sister. However, we realize there are many friends of AMUH in the extended community who might be interested in helping us with this project, and we are grateful for any assistance that comes our way. After the Lubisha has been rebuilt, we will need to once again replace the pavilion covers which have been damaged by the winter winds. There is still cleanup to do and pay for. And of course, we are still slowly rebuilding our regalia collection and supplies. Eventually we may even begin to replace the precious, blessed drums on which all our ceremonies depend.

If you want to contribute, go here:

Donate to Lubisha for AMUH


Regardless, thank you for your time, and blessings upon you for your support!

--Ember--
Little Mother
American Magic Umbanda House
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Last night for various reasons I had Odin on the line for some automatic writing/heavy shadow.

I also had a friend on IM. It's always easier to hold onto a line with a deity if there's somebody to interact with Them instead of me, so they chatted.

A LOT )
Ever met Dionysos? )
Skalds and Gaming )
The Scale of Divinity )
Loki's Nature )
God of Fiction )
Trusting vs. Getting Lost )
Gods as Patterns in Mind )
Ouija Boards as Divination )

And that's not the whole conversation! But the rest was too personal.

-E-
emberleo: A forked crossroads symbol with the letters A M U H (umbanda)
Every year for longer than I've been attending PantheaCon, the American Magic Umbanda House has put on a Devotional ritual for Pomba Gira. The last several years, I have been the lead singer for that event.

I have received quite a few compliments on my singing, for which I am deeply grateful. Every year I have been involved in the music we have worked very hard to make it the best we can for that year, and even better the next, so I am grateful when feedback reaches me that tells me we are succeeding, or how to succeed even more.

For a few years before I took up the singing, I helped coordinate the event and ward the ritual. We made many adjustments, some subtle, some blatant, to the balance of the ritual structure in order to better serve the needs of everyone involved. I don't think people realize how much we take to heart the critique we receive both directly and indirectly. We search for reviews of the Devotional and look at what people liked and didn't like, and more importantly, why they did or didn't like it.

We have put a lot of work into making the ritual structure more supportive for the inexperienced, while still being a positive, exciting experience for those who return each year to dance with us, and of course a pleasing offering for Pomba Gira Herself.

There are a few complaints I hear every time, and I want to address them now.

Why is the music so repetitive? )

Why are the lights so bright? )

Why are cameras not permitted? )

Why are alcohol and other intoxicating substances not permitted? )

Why is ID required? )

Seriously.

Yes, some of our rules are more strict than may seem necessary in any given moment. We need rules that we can apply safely regardless of the context in which they arise. It might be safe to dim the lights for you, and let you and your friends photograph only each other. You might only be a little buzzed. Maybe you're obviously of age.

It's not just about you.

It is NOT safe to dim the lights for the newbie soft head who has never attended before or to allow cameras in the hands of those who won't respect privacy. Not everyone is obvious when they're too compromised to be safe in a trance ritual. It's not up to our warders to determine the individual experience level and ethical basis for each attendee.

I don't think due caution is too much to ask for a couple hours once a year, for the mutual benefit of all.

Onward!

Can I have a necklace? )

Got a question about the AMUH Pomba Gira Devotional at PantheaCon? Ask, and I'll see what I can do to answer you.

--Ember--
emberleo: A dark-haired woman weaving strands of light (dreaming)
Two dreams with many parallels:

Albino Mourning Dove )
----------------------------
Albino Raven )
----------------------------

The dreams obviously echo eachother - both birds are albinos of local native birds, both are highly symbolic. I'm not sure exactly what's going on here, but I can tell from the feel of the lucid moments that both dreams were most likely visitations, and the raven dream definitely was.

But I'm a bit stumped for interpretation beyond "I've been visited by Dove and Raven...."

-E-
emberleo: A dark-haired woman weaving strands of light (dreaming)
I dreamt I was on the road into the neighborhood I grew up in, because I had to locate a particular woman. I don't remember right now if she was dead when I got there already or if she was going to die shortly, but either way it was my job to inform her, help with the transition, and deal with any complications.

The house was maze-like. Her mother did not speak English, and did not understand why I was there or that her older daughter was now dead. The younger sister was rebellious, a bit crazy, and refused to come out of her room until I'd gotten the body removed from the building.

I kept searching for an example of something that was the right hue and brightness of lime green to show the younger sister in order to convince her that her sister really was gone, and I really had been sent to deal with the situation.

Towards the end of the dream, I got news that the dead woman had done something untoward to skip ahead through the afterlife process and had jumped into reincarnation immediately before her spirit had a chance to really forget the previous life. Oh dear! Too late now.

I awoke to certainty that my friend's daughter had indeed died while I slept. The offerings I made to Papa Ghede last night asking that she either be saved miraculously by being held only very briefly or (admittedly more likely) taken quickly and as painlessly as possible seem to have translated into word that she has indeed passed on, but will reincarnate immediately. That's... not what I meant.

Oops?

-E-
emberleo: A circular knotwork phoenix (phoenix)
To Whom It May Concern,

I am Vanatru. I am Clergy. I run the Vanic Conspiracy. I love and care for my congregation as dear friends and family. I love and honor the Vanir as dear friends and family. I love and respect the Landwights and Ancstors as dear friends and family. That is the nature of my way.

I am Heathen. I'm in Hrafnar. I work with and love Diana Paxson as my Gythia, and her folk as my folk.

I am a Seidhkona. I am in Seidhjallr, and have recently hived off a new group for my own area to explore Seidh and Galdr and whatever other forms of Northern magic call to us on our own terms.

I'm a spirit worker. I happily associate with Raven Kaldera and many of his friends, including quite a few Lokeans and other Rokkatruar. I get along just fine with Loki. Tricksters respect people who don't run away from Them.

I'm also a headwashed and necklaced Loa child in the American Magic Umbanda House, where I am the Lead Singer, and Little Mother (In Training).*

In all these things, I honor my ancestors. Honoring my Ancestors includes honoring the Celtic powers.

The more I walk my path, the more I find everything falls into place, leading me ever onward. My path is singular and clear. If you find my religion confusing, you should see what it does to my love life sometime - but that's none of your business.

I have friends from many different traditions and I respect and honor their ways, whether I join in their practice or not, in the moment or in the long run. I would be a fool to deny their truths, for it is readily evident that their ways work just as well as mine, and the messages they bring me confirm and support the messages my own ways bring me.

Being a scholar of religion means studying every kind of religion I can find, at least a little. Being a counselor of humans means understanding the many forms of human experience, finding both what unifies us and what makes each of us unique. Being a priestess to the gods means listening to what They ask of me regardless of bullshit human politics.

This IS my path, and I AM sticking to it. And you know what? If you don't LIKE all that about me, you can FUCK RIGHT OFF.

I am Ember

If you are good to me
I will glow for you
I will warm you
I will light your way

If you fuck with me
I will burn you

--Ember--

* As of August 2012 I've stepped up to Alumni in AMUH, and am thus no longer Little Mother (in training), or the primary Lead Singer. As of March 2013 I am released from AMUH and am thus no longer a member.
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Going back over my journal entries from the past, and finding bits and treasures, messages that need to be remembered and shared.

Here's one from April of 2009, from a dreamt conversation with Oxun:

"I help people learn how to love themselves, and how to feel good about what they bring to the world. I teach people about beauty, yes.

But more to the point: When you go about in the world, how you look will always affect how people treat you. What I teach people is how to use this simple reality to their own advantage as much as possible. You don't have to be beautiful all the time, but if you are not conscious of your appearance, you are not taking responsibility for, control over, how others see you and treat you.

On a basic level, almost everyone comes to realize how they are treated according to how they look by default. Most people learn at least a few tricks they can use to manipulate people for their own advantage in the most immediate sense, based on using how they appear to others. Little girls recognize that they can wrap big men around their fingers to get what they want by emphasizing just how adorable they are. Big guys recognize that they can intimidate people. People who don't stand out realize they won't be noticed and can therefore get away with certain things. This is true also for those who look particularly innocent regardless of what they have done.

These tricks are natural advantages of their appearance. But how many people use the positive advantages instead of only the negative? Well, almost everyone in society, actually. Think about it - everyone learns how to dress and keep their hair and body according to the culture surrounding them as they are growing up. Their fashion sense tends to fit somewhere within that range. They thereby identify themselves as belonging where they are. It is few who step entirely outside this range. This is far more noticeable in a tribal culture that has very specific rules about what to wear. Western culture gives a lot of wiggle room, but if you took your fashion sense out of National Geographic, do you think you wouldn't stand out as "Other"?

The real skill is not only using the tricks that come naturally to how you already look, thereby limiting yourself to only the stereotypes and roles at your disposal from the outside in, but to learn and understand the appearances behind the tricks beyond what is given to you. Anyone who knows how to dress to get a job has figured at least a little of this out. Honestly, who do you want deciding which role you fit into, how to treat you based on how you look? You? Or a bunch of strangers?

The thing to recognize is that you can't control their behavior. You can only control what you present to them. Their behavior is a natural response to that. You can let that control you, or you can recognize it for the process it is, and use it to your own advantage."


-E-
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Going back over my journal entries from the past, and finding bits and treasures I didn't remember, messages I internalized rather than memorizing them.

Here's one from October of 2004, which wasn't directed at me but rather through me:

"Consider the image of a moth to a flame.

The moth understands that the flame is fire. The moth accepts that it cannot escape the lure of the flame. The moth embraces its love, its desire, its compulsion to meet the flame.

But the moth does not trust the flame but to burn it. In embracing its destiny to join the flame, the moth assumes the results of its chosen fate, or the fate it believes was chosen for it.

I am not obliged to burn you, drawn to me though you may be. I accept the sacrifice you offer of yourself in being willing to burn for me, but revel far more in your trust, that you might believe, though I am that flame, though you cannot escape my enticements, that you will not burn.

Rushing towards me in a desire to be completely consumed by me is touching. It's also self-destructive. I can rebuild you - or you can rebuild yourself. Which do you think I wish for more - that you be rebuilt a complete image of my making?

Or that you be entirely yourself, and dedicated, of your own will, entirely to me?"


-E-
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
Going back over my journal entries from the past, and finding bits and treasures I didn't remember, messages I internalized rather than memorizing them.

Here's one from May of 2007:

I found myself a bear. My maw was brown, my paws and body were covered with black fur. My whole sense of physical self was contained within that bear. But She was not me. I listened to Her litany of resignation:

Not all of my cubs will survive birth.
Not all of my cubs will grow up.
Not all of my cubs will survive to mate.
Not all of my cubs will avoid the hunters.
Not all of my cubs will be good.
Not all of my cubs will be wise.
Not all of my cubs will respect other species.
Not all of my cubs will fulfill their potential.
I cannot solve all the problems of the world one cub at a time,
but I cannot even try to do anything else.


-E-
emberleo: A skull-faced woman with long black hair standing among callalilies (requiem)
Today we had our annual Ghede Devotional, affectionately titled "Ghede Jamboree, Brigitte Tea, and Ancestors Revel! (not necessarily in that order...)".

It went not so much according to plan as about how Papa told me it would, which is to say that about half the people showed up than I had hoped, but twice as many as I'd feared. We had enough food, and it was good food. The altars were pretty, and looked He showed me, though again, not the way I'd planned. There were only two mediums, both for Ghedes, so Papa spent some time trying to decide whether to convince one or another of the lovely women to invite His wife down, to no avail, and the rest of His time flirting with all the lovely women He DID have at His disposal.

It did rain, as I rather expected it would right *after* I announced that we'd hold it in the not-raining location. *sigh* Murphy's law. Go figure.

I wasn't feeling too hot by the end there, for various reasons, but all in all I think it went pretty well, and I hope the intrepid souls who attended enjoyed themselves.

The one bit I really wanted to document, though, has very little to do with my Papa at all (which is why this post is here, and not in my journal for work with Papa):

See, two years ago when my head was washed to Papa, I had clothing specially made for Us to wear, tailored to my measurements at the time. Well, some of it was designed to be too big, for certain reasons, but the core garments - the britches and shirt - were tailored to my actual measurements.

Today when I went to put on those clothes again, I noticed that the pants had no beltloops. This was immediately apparent because without a belt, the britches were falling right off my hips when I moved! I had to hike up the britches and tie them tight with the sash, sticking ruffled up over the edge, and hope that Papa wouldn't think it was funny to let them fall right off my body in the middle of the floor! *blush*

We got through the day clothing and dignity more or less intact, and now I am gleefully informing my nutritionist that her good advice has contributed significantly to my health!

Wheeeeee!

-E-
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
So, I'm a little tired of going through the social anxiety phase after any ritual for which I do something significant.

Cut for those who may be just as tired of it as I am ) *Sigh*

-E-
emberleo: A dark-haired woman weaving strands of light (dreaming)
I had and recorded this dream last spring, but wasn't journaling at the time. It came up again tonight and I realized I should get it into the logs...

A highwayman came riding, riding, riding... )

These are my people? )

So! This has been heard loud and clear, although what exactly it all means remains to be seen.

--Ember--
emberleo: A dark-haired woman weaving strands of light (dreaming)
I forgot when I posted the other dream bits from today, that the latter part of my dreams this morning involved one or more ravens flying around me, landing on me, staring at me, etc.

I was convinced that it was, specifically, the Raven of Hrafnar (who we understand may be the mother of Huginn and Munnin?)

But it might also be a pun on Raven Kaldera, since I've interacted with him lately, too.

-E-
emberleo: A rabbit with antlers eating blackberries (Default)
A short snipped of dream today:

Chien and I were sitting somewhere, and he decides to start a game. 1) We're all in heaven. 2) The conservative Christians are right about what the rules are for being good enough for heaven. 3) Turns out, God didn't bother to check, so we're all in, but now we're here we're obliged to change.

So Chien starts teasing me about this and that needing to change - only one lover, he'd better be male, I'd better marry him, etc. Oddly, in the dream, despite Chien being right in front of me, and my lover, I was still somehow a "lesbian", and this was somehow signified by my being an alto. Chien declared my obligation to become a soprano immediately.

Only one God, and we all know which one. etc.

All of his quips were met with sardonic refusals.

Finally he gave me a big-eyed, muppety-innocence look and said "I'm praying for you!"

For some reason that irritated me much more than the rest of the game, so I gave him a dark look and replied, almost menacingly, "And do your prayers get answered? Because my prayers are always acknowledged, and I'm praying for you too."
-----------------

I woke up thinking "whoah, "I'm praying for you" as a threat, eh?" followed shortly by "Wait, ALL my prayers are acknowledged?! Buh?"

-E-