Shifts in Anxiety

[emberleo]

So, I'm a little tired of going through the social anxiety phase after any ritual for which I do something significant.

Every damned meeting I run, every trance exercise, every performance, at some point afterwards, I'm sitting in a corner, mentally, going over the details trying to figure out if I made a total fool of myself, if I'm a fraud, if everyone is just humoring me, or too polite to show how horrified they are at how inept I am, etc. etc.

It's exhausting. Not to mention useless.

Now, I'm glad that it's not outright panic attacks - no, those are usually reserved for things like school, and I haven't had any since I finished at SCU. Hopefully being on meds means they won't just start right back up again when I start dealing with Grad School.

But even so... how many iterations of this do I have to go through before I will accept that I have a group to run because people enjoy that group, and I have rituals to lead because I'm competent at running (or helping run) rituals, and I have performances to make because people appreciate my arts, and I have trance work to do because the Gods have things to say and actually like using my mouth to say it with?

I know I'm valued and loved, but all too often I can't help but assume it's like a beloved kitten, fuzzy, cute, happy-making, and likely to fall flat on my face if I actually try to accomplish something.

Which is particularly stupid when I actually stop to analyze what all I have, in fact, accomplished.

Which leads me to question what it is I expect of myself, and I come up with one clear, unequivocal answer: Self Sufficiency.

Which is nowhere in sight. *Sigh*

-E-

Comments

[jensurvivor]

CBT? Both kinds of CBT?

[emberleo]

You're suggesting I get a different kind of therapist, and a sub?

*laugh*

-E-

[jensurvivor]

yeah. It sounds like a thought process problem to me. And the sub will take the edge off the stress.

[emberleo]

*laughs* You and I have very different ideas about what a sub is for, perhaps.

-E-

[camillanightshade]

*HUGS* I hope you will feel better soon. Have you tried astanga yoga- a few poses of that a couple of times a week may help, strengthen yourself and reduce the anxiety. Sorry, I understand yoga may not be the answer for everyone, just cause it has helped me so much. Wearing some chrystals, gemstones that reduces the pressure, anxiety could also be helpful.

[emberleo]

Well, Yoga isn't my own go-to method. Singing is, actually.

But the reminder to actually USE my go-to method is always a good one, so no worries. And Yoga is good stuff regardless.

-E-

[camillanightshade]

Yeah, it is hard to remember the to go method, what one can do for oneself, trust me I forget it for myself far too often. Singing is cool. Perhaps you could sing some chants or affirmation that make you feel stronger, more confident.

sighs...

[pearlshadow]

ms e-

i realize that this is probably just processing but having read it over a couple of times now, i feel that i have to speak up.

a) as you darn well know, i have similar attacks on a regular basis. when i asked the shell if i shoudl shut down the house or walk away from it, i was told "you are exactly where we want you to be, doing exactly what we want you to be doing." i think if you asked any of the pantheons you serve, you would get exaclty the same answer (and 9 out of 10 voices in my head agree with that statement)

b) you do "the work" and you "listen". not only that but you do it to the best of your ability. the powers that be are very pleased with your work. it is "unfortunate" perhaps that with said powers you rarely if ever get an "attaboy" rather they seem to be of the school of "the reward of work well done is MORE Work!"

c) if you are concerned about certain "Discussions" we have had, and the fact that i am asking you to do certain things such as get yourself a "Second", please understand that i am asking you to do those thing becuase the voices/visions in my head are telling me to. it is thru listening to those visions/voices that i ahve been able to bring amuh to where it is today. it has nothing to do with the quality of your work and my requests are not a personal reflection on you or the quality of your. ok?

i know you are workign thru your stuff and that is ok. (well maybe 1-2 voices wanted to speak up on this, "shurgs"!

Re: sighs...

[emberleo]

I actually wrote this entry before you and I talked, so please don't worry that our discussion caused it. :)

No, your wanting me to have a second isn't bothering me at all - on the contrary, I love the idea, and I think the more people who have the training, the better our house will be.

As for the rest? Yeah, I know you're right - I KNOW, but I don't usually FEEL it. I've been working for years on my perpetual sense of incompetence, and while I've made progress, I'm clearly not there yet.

-E-

Re: sighs...

[pearlshadow]

i do "Understand<" very much so..

what i "Know" to be "true" definitly does not always march with what i "feel" to be "true". and that simple statement has caused me more sleepless nights than i would care to shake a stick at.

hang in there, it does get easier to cope with as time goes on..