Shifts in Anxiety

[emberleo]

So, I'm a little tired of going through the social anxiety phase after any ritual for which I do something significant.

Every damned meeting I run, every trance exercise, every performance, at some point afterwards, I'm sitting in a corner, mentally, going over the details trying to figure out if I made a total fool of myself, if I'm a fraud, if everyone is just humoring me, or too polite to show how horrified they are at how inept I am, etc. etc.

It's exhausting. Not to mention useless.

Now, I'm glad that it's not outright panic attacks - no, those are usually reserved for things like school, and I haven't had any since I finished at SCU. Hopefully being on meds means they won't just start right back up again when I start dealing with Grad School.

But even so... how many iterations of this do I have to go through before I will accept that I have a group to run because people enjoy that group, and I have rituals to lead because I'm competent at running (or helping run) rituals, and I have performances to make because people appreciate my arts, and I have trance work to do because the Gods have things to say and actually like using my mouth to say it with?

I know I'm valued and loved, but all too often I can't help but assume it's like a beloved kitten, fuzzy, cute, happy-making, and likely to fall flat on my face if I actually try to accomplish something.

Which is particularly stupid when I actually stop to analyze what all I have, in fact, accomplished.

Which leads me to question what it is I expect of myself, and I come up with one clear, unequivocal answer: Self Sufficiency.

Which is nowhere in sight. *Sigh*

-E-

Comments

[camillanightshade]

*HUGS* I hope you will feel better soon. Have you tried astanga yoga- a few poses of that a couple of times a week may help, strengthen yourself and reduce the anxiety. Sorry, I understand yoga may not be the answer for everyone, just cause it has helped me so much. Wearing some chrystals, gemstones that reduces the pressure, anxiety could also be helpful.

[emberleo]

Well, Yoga isn't my own go-to method. Singing is, actually.

But the reminder to actually USE my go-to method is always a good one, so no worries. And Yoga is good stuff regardless.

-E-

[camillanightshade]

Yeah, it is hard to remember the to go method, what one can do for oneself, trust me I forget it for myself far too often. Singing is cool. Perhaps you could sing some chants or affirmation that make you feel stronger, more confident.