Shifts in Anxiety
Oct. 25th, 2011 01:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
emberleoSo, I'm a little tired of going through the social anxiety phase after any ritual for which I do something significant.
Every damned meeting I run, every trance exercise, every performance, at some point afterwards, I'm sitting in a corner, mentally, going over the details trying to figure out if I made a total fool of myself, if I'm a fraud, if everyone is just humoring me, or too polite to show how horrified they are at how inept I am, etc. etc.
It's exhausting. Not to mention useless.
Now, I'm glad that it's not outright panic attacks - no, those are usually reserved for things like school, and I haven't had any since I finished at SCU. Hopefully being on meds means they won't just start right back up again when I start dealing with Grad School.
But even so... how many iterations of this do I have to go through before I will accept that I have a group to run because people enjoy that group, and I have rituals to lead because I'm competent at running (or helping run) rituals, and I have performances to make because people appreciate my arts, and I have trance work to do because the Gods have things to say and actually like using my mouth to say it with?
I know I'm valued and loved, but all too often I can't help but assume it's like a beloved kitten, fuzzy, cute, happy-making, and likely to fall flat on my face if I actually try to accomplish something.
Which is particularly stupid when I actually stop to analyze what all I have, in fact, accomplished.
Which leads me to question what it is I expect of myself, and I come up with one clear, unequivocal answer: Self Sufficiency.
Which is nowhere in sight. *Sigh*
-E-
Every damned meeting I run, every trance exercise, every performance, at some point afterwards, I'm sitting in a corner, mentally, going over the details trying to figure out if I made a total fool of myself, if I'm a fraud, if everyone is just humoring me, or too polite to show how horrified they are at how inept I am, etc. etc.
It's exhausting. Not to mention useless.
Now, I'm glad that it's not outright panic attacks - no, those are usually reserved for things like school, and I haven't had any since I finished at SCU. Hopefully being on meds means they won't just start right back up again when I start dealing with Grad School.
But even so... how many iterations of this do I have to go through before I will accept that I have a group to run because people enjoy that group, and I have rituals to lead because I'm competent at running (or helping run) rituals, and I have performances to make because people appreciate my arts, and I have trance work to do because the Gods have things to say and actually like using my mouth to say it with?
I know I'm valued and loved, but all too often I can't help but assume it's like a beloved kitten, fuzzy, cute, happy-making, and likely to fall flat on my face if I actually try to accomplish something.
Which is particularly stupid when I actually stop to analyze what all I have, in fact, accomplished.
Which leads me to question what it is I expect of myself, and I come up with one clear, unequivocal answer: Self Sufficiency.
Which is nowhere in sight. *Sigh*
-E-
Re: sighs...
Date: 2011-10-26 05:43 pm (UTC)No, your wanting me to have a second isn't bothering me at all - on the contrary, I love the idea, and I think the more people who have the training, the better our house will be.
As for the rest? Yeah, I know you're right - I KNOW, but I don't usually FEEL it. I've been working for years on my perpetual sense of incompetence, and while I've made progress, I'm clearly not there yet.
-E-
Re: sighs...
Date: 2011-10-26 06:51 pm (UTC)what i "Know" to be "true" definitly does not always march with what i "feel" to be "true". and that simple statement has caused me more sleepless nights than i would care to shake a stick at.
hang in there, it does get easier to cope with as time goes on..